Your Way, My Way, or ‘The Way’By Okey IkechukwuThisday Backpage (28, June, 25)| At the instance of Mrs. Vivian Agu, wife of the late Ferdinand Agu and family, the Canada-based Victor Anliefo who is a severely understated literary icon, and several others, they conspired to inflict on me the task of giving the only speech allowed for the one-year commemoration of the passing of Ferdinand Agu. I was also not given the option of refusal. The venue was Yar’Adua Cenre in Abuja, and mentees friends and admirers of a man who bestrode many intellectual, academic, political and other divides without airs, without any pretensions and without an iota of self-inflation or egocentric self-presentation gathered in memory of him.For the occasion, I chose not to talk about the fact that he was conferred with the national award of Member of the Federal republic (MFR),that he played a major role in the housing sector in Abuja during his stint at Aso Savings and Loans and about his reputation as the most dependable pillar of loyalty, resourcefulness, selflessness and dedication in the office of the Secretary to the Government of the Federation (SGF)during the tenure of Senator Anyim as SGF; among other things.I simply focusedon the man and his goodness as a person. I reflected on his capacity for unbiased interventions in our increasingly polarized world, his large heartedness, his ever-present desire to seek, find and deliver the winning point of view on any issue, rather trying to personally win in any argument.He was a simple man who, nevertheless, always exuded a considerable personal dignity. He was an intelligent man who would make his points and easily outshine his sometimes-mendacious interlocutors, but without a tinge of arrogance and without making them lose face. He was always calm, but forever ready with refined expressions of righteous indignation when necessary. And that is when he is faced with debauchery, small mindedness and every display of uninhibited philistinism.I pointed out that our late friend was as learned, as he was also educated and enlightened. That he stood out as a literary icon of sorts, all in a world where many people like to prance about and Project their half-baked learning and paltry knowledge because they have read a few books and talked a lot. Yet he never displayed the arid, hollow and often pretended intellectual superiority of some academically learned people who take great pride in calling themselves academics, academicians and scholars.Yes, he was an architect by training but he was also one of the very the few people with whom I could comfortably discuss every strand of science and philosophy: From classical German idealism, to the unresolves debates about the nature of elementary particles; from Marxism, ancient Greek philosophy, Nietzsche’s Nihilism, Christianity and reincarnation to the metaphyseal postulations of Hegel Schopenhauer and many others.For an architect and student of science, his familiarity with all manner of literature and schools of thought puts many presumed students of the various arts and sciences to shame. And his interventions in any group discussion, debate or controversy was always laced with common sense, inclusiveness thinking, urbane and non-violent language, conciliatory inferences, enlightened disagreements, consensus building and team spirit.He left at a time many of us were sure that he was just about to walk into his own in life.The first unmistakable proof that Ferdinand was no more occurred when more than one WhatsApp platform was created and deployed by some of his well-meaning friends, to manage the logistics and other detailsof his burial. Both platforms had over 70% of the same as members. But they refused to collapse into one platform. Some of us intervened without success on the matter and I had to look on in dismay and consternation. Everything eventually went well, of course; but…..You see, the Ferdinand everyone in that hall knew would not have approved such a thing, if he was consulted, or was involved in handling such a matter for another demised friend. He would have been the one to quietly consult with the principal actors behind the scenes. He would have found a way to get as many people as possible together to tell them, quietly but firmly: “My dear friends, let us consider whether the current approach to what we are trying to do is the only way to do it, or the best way to do it”.He would have said also: “Let us work for synergy and group cohesion, so that we can get the results we want with the minimum expenditure of time, energy and resources; and without having winners or losers”.That is what Ferdinand would have done, because he never believed that final and inclusive solutions could be found in extreme positions. Yet he was an extremist of sorts. That sounds like a contradiction, does it not; to say that a man who shunned extreme positions was an extremist?The truth is that Ferdinand was an extremist in the sense that he would not tolerate partisan extremism. He always urged against rigid viewpoints, as he pushed for balanced and integrative perspectives that transcended ego, parochial interests, irrationality and partiality.Which was why I titled my speech on that day: “Your Way, My Way. How About “The Way”.The man always looked for “The way” forward in all his endeavours. He would not insist on one person’s idea of a way forward, except it is first tested and confirmed to be fit for purpose. He would always call for a middle ground, but not in the name of foolish compromise or fear of disagreement, no! He would not accept the dilution of pristine principles and values in the name of peace.The late Ferdinand always sought a higher synthesis of all viewpoints, which absorbed the strengths of competing perspectives. His goal was always a holistic standpoint under which all contending partes would find accommodation. His major strength in this regard was rooted in his ability to listen patiently to the most diverse and even ridiculous positions, his empathy as he tried to guide and nurture the misguided without being patronizing, his emotional intelligence in managing big egos, and in his native wisdom that combined sophisticated modern thinking with down-to-earth realism.He would not be one to argue that we should have it your way, or my way, no! He would rather invite everyone’s attention to another way of looking at the same thing which throws new light on the competing perspectives. Rather than compare your way and his way, he would urge that you see how possible it is to find a way out of the dichotomy of perspectives and follow the way.Many people do not realize, at least not always on time, that to move from your way and my way to the way is not the same thing as winning or losing anything. It is simply the path to deeper insights, truth sometimes, and righteousness quite often. It is also a call to the harnessing of differences as ingredients for a more inclusive, more sustainable and forward-looking path that leads to a new and common goal.If we are to talk about all of the foregoing with a sense of history, Ferdinand’s perspective and approach to life issues, politics and interpersonal relationships often embodied elements of the philosophical orientation of many ancient and contemporary thinkers. It remains a path to progress that embodies humility, openness, a readiness to learn and a willingness to bow to the superior point of view even today.Just think about it. Is everyday disagreement, whether at home, at work, online, not about whether you should follow the way you indicated, or the one indicated by another? It is all very familiar, is it not? Two people, with Two opinions. Two roads that seem to lead in opposite directions. And everyone is claiming to be right.His way or your way, right?Yet there is THE way!The late Ferdinand will not ask you to give up and walk away, but will choose wisdom, clarity and connection, instead of blind stubbornness.He will ask, instead: “What do we really need in this situation? What solution lifts everyone up, and not just one side?That is “the way”, in the sense in which the late Ferdinand Agu always tried to get things done. There was no“It’s got to be my way” with him. And that is because he knows that genuine partnerships do not thrive on ultimatums. All parties must drop their egos and ask: “What can we build together? Because The Waydemands the willingness to learn and not always the desire to emerge victorious in every trivial fight.It is not the path of weakness, or indecision, but one of strength.It is the way of creativity and trueleadership. Ancient philosophers of the Taoists Taoist tradition saw “The Way” as a force of balance and harmony in the universe.Ferdinand showedhow to walk that path by simply choosingsynergy and the love of harmony and progress over pride and love of win-lose solutions.This means choosing higher values and a higher purpose over ego. It means choosing unity over division and non-inclusive ways. It means creating a world whereinmore people stopped fighting for their individual ways, and sought, instead, for the way that would benefit all.Not his way or your way. Not two people and two opinions. Not two roads that seem to lead in opposite directions. It is something deeper. It is a higher path. It is the path of wisdom. It is clarity. It can be brought into everyday life, into politics and much more.It is all about what peopletruly need: solutions that lift everyone up.So, in remembering on that occasion, I asked the audience not to forget that he would ask people to drop our egos and ask, instead: “What can we build together”. He would ask: “Do we have the maturity to listen, the courage to bow and the decency to accept a superior point of view?Imagine what our world could be likeif more people stopped fighting and started searching—together—for the way.Imagine what the world would be like if, finding ourselves in situations of conflict or pulled between two extremes, you paused, took a deep breath and asked:“How about a way the all parties agreeing that they are wrong and working together to find, and follow, another way?” That is the path that goes beyond personal pride or dogma and leads to mutual understanding, progress, and truth.“Should we not move from your way, my way, to THE WAY?